More Firecracker moments!!

So, funny stories about my exciting day yesterday.

We were in one of the many tatoo parlors we entered yesterday (shopping around). Lynard was getting her ear pierced at this particular parlor and Ducky wasn't ready for her. So, I decide to strike up a conversation for all to hear!!

There was a young tatoo artist there, but he was shy and I don't think he would play with me! Then there was the owner who was whining about back surgery next week, he could work! Then there was a old white haired, harley looking, biker thug who had a white beard all the way to his nipples! Yeah, I don't think I should mess with a man who rides with a biker gang! Plus, upon further inspection, I realize that he has food crusted into his white beard! Ack! Probably a little french fries, a whopper, perhaps a small child and I'm pretty sure Jimmy Hoffa was buried in there somewhere!

Anyway, so I say to the owner:
Me: "If you did my tatoo, and it hurt....I could probably kick your ass since your back is already broken (broken disc or something stupid)?"

Owner: " Nope, I was in the Navy Seals (probably like 50yrs ago but whatever) and even with a broken back, I could still whip your ass!"

Me: "I was in the Navy Seals too.....don't you recognize me?! I'm Demi Moore! I shave my head and everything for the Seals!"

*Everyone blankly stares at me and I hear crickets chirping in the background! The old guy with the "food savor" beard grunts!

Owner: "I met Demi Moore one time, and trust me, you ain't her!!"

Me: "Whatever, I could still kick your ass! I did kick boxing, I've sweated to the oldies with Richard Simmons and I could totally "Yoga Booty Balley" your old ass!"

*More crickets, another grunt from Old beard man!

Owner: "Uh, huh!"

Me: "I sell sex toys!!!"

*Hmmmm...this gets quite a few happy glances, owner perks up a bit and old beard man makes a Tim the Tool Man Taylor grunt this time!! Ahhh-Haaaa! I've just sparked their interests!! Lynard starts to go through her "purse" (which could house a small family) looking for a catalog!!

Owner (and everyone else): "Really, tell me about it!!!!"

*********************************************************************************

Well, old beard man was getting some more tatoo's! This time on his leg! So, the old gent' walked around in his boxers for a moment! I was agahst!!! Oh NO! What if something plays peek-a-boo with the trap door in the front of those boxers! I would have to burn my eyes out! Poke them out with hot knives or something! Good Gracious!!!!! Well, lucky for me I didn't see anything (not that I was looking....I was more running for the door) and I still have my eyeballs! But, I was deeply wounded by the thought of it! I may need thearpy for that one!!!

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As I told you, I wanted the Green Bay Packers thingy on my ass cheek (or right above anyway). I was going to have them actually scetch on the "Packer Fan" until I called hubby and he said:

Hubby: "Do you really want something that says "Packers" on your ass?"

Me: *laughing* "No, I guess I didn't think of that....."

Hubby: "Because I could always "Pack"......."

Me: *interuppting his disturbed mind* "Shut Up Perv!"

There were 2 men at my tatoo parlor (note how I claim it as "mine" even though I have no desire to return!) putting in a pool table. They heard my request for the Packer's tatoo so they teased me about putting on some Vicking (or ViQueen) horns in honor of the Minnesota Vikings; the Packers arched enemy!

I threatened their exsistance!!!!

Sadly, this is a typical day for me!!!!!

*******************************************************************************

Let's take a vote!!!

You can choose one of the following and put your answer in the comment section!!
Do you think I am:

a) Mentally Challanged?

b) psycho...my mom obviously did acid when she was prego with me?

c) In need of a CAT scan?

d) Fun as hell!!

e) all of the above!

I don't really know if I want to see the outcome but whatever!!!!!!! Hey, don't forget to tell your blog friends about me either!!! I need some love!!!

And if you know someone in the South Dakota area (Iowa, Minnesota), send them my way! I want to have a "blogger girls night out!" Geesh, I ask for a lot, eh??????

I'm still not sure what the "F" is up with spell check, but it's totally peeing me off!!!!! Enjoy the spelling errors! :-)

Hugs!

Wacky Wednesdays!!!!

NOTE~Spell Check isn't working and I suck at spelling.....so please tolorate it this time!!! Thanks!

Have I ever told you about "Wacky Wednesdays"? Well, let me tell you now! Me and my friend Lynard spend every Wednesday's doing something totally outragous and fun. We have rode the carosual at the mall, we have hung out with oversized cows, we have stopped suddenly just to jump out and mess with a man in a costume advertising their business. All the while, we take pics and send them off to the poor souls who have to work and are holed up in an office (my hubby!) This is my time with my friend, who is very, very much like me! We have a flipping blast!!

Me playing with the "naughty" stuff at Spencer Gifts!

But of all the "wackiness", today took the cake! You see, I'm a "tatoo virgin". Yep....crazy me has always been a chicken shit. In the last three years I have been through some serious pain (both emotional and physical!) We have endured more floods in our finished basement (including the day we moved in) then one should ever have to endure, I had Spinal Menigitis which is very, very painful, a full hysterectomy that was quite possibly the worst pain I have ever felt, a car accident that injured my back, etc! It has been a rough 3 years! Those pains were something I couldn't help! A tatoo is a pain that I don't have to indure! However, I have whined for months now how bad I want a tatoo. Oh, my hubby and friends have listened to the "I so badly want one, I just want to be a part of the cool club!" All the cool people have tatto's you know! I HAVE to be cool! And in true "Krissy" form, I have to want one on the part that is supposed to hurt the most....the top of the foot. Of course that would hurt and of course that is where my heart is set to have a tatoo!

Well, my Lynard needed her other ear pierced. No....not the ear lobe but the hangy thingy in the middle of the ear. The first ear was done last year and so she had to do the other ear so she could stop walking lopsided! Well.....the first time she decided to add a hole to her head it didn't hurt that much at all. But apparantly, Ducky (her piercing dude) used too big of a needle this time and also explained that her left ear had alot more cartlidge in it. Because of these reason's.....it hurt like a Mother F'er!!!! I thought she was going down like a slut on prom night!!! Seriously, she was looking a little white and sweating some beads!!!

Ducky was wearing a shirt today that said "I'm not a gynocologist....but I can take a look anyway!" Upon seeing the the table that Lynard was getting her hangy thing pierced on looked like a doctors table, I got an idea! Let's take a picture that looks like Ducky is playing Gyno today!

I only wish the thing had stir-ups!

Okay, so as I was sitting there laughing...er'....I mean watching my friend go through the pain of her ear.....I decided that I was being a wuss and I could handle a tatoo! Damn it...I'm getting a tatoo on my foot! If my friend Stacy can tattoo her entire back and much of her arms and both feet, I could handle a shitting tattoo! I mean all this cool chick have tatoos. That's Kelly (left to right), Amanda and Stacy! They are rocking the tatoo's and dancing to Irish Punk music! LOL!

So, me and Lynard both got tatoo's. The same flowers on the same foot! I thought I was going to die! I had one panic attack after another! I pretended to be brave, as Lynard sat over on the other table laughing (I was visually imagining myself bitch slapping her) while I sat there trembling! I made it through without any tears, but after leaving the shop I limped out yelling "I will never f'ing do that again! EVER!" I wanted a piece of cheese chewing on a deflated football (Green Bay Packers "Cheese Heads") on my upper ass cheek but I have pissed that idea right down my leg! OMG!!!! It was misery!

But now, I'm left with a pretty hibiscus flower permanetly etched into my flesh. I love it! The pictures don't do it justice as I was drinking a beer at this time and I couldn't get a good shot! It sorta looks like a four leaf clover in this picture but in fact, it is a work of art!! Remember I hate feet, but I will show off my swamp paddles all the time now!! Please ignore the un-pedicured toes though! Geesh!

Anyway, I feel better now and the color has come back to my face! But because this is "Why we love him Wednesdays"....I wanted to add that my supportive, wonderful hubby skipped out on a stack full of papers today to come and laugh at his pathetic excuse of a wife! And that many a times my hubby has done some Wacky things with me and my friends before! I love him and I'm the luckiest wife in the world to have a man like him!

*Note....this next picture only proved that I shouldn't wear stripes! Ack! And take note in the ample amounts of cleavage yours truly is sporting! Yeah baby!

My fav pics!

There are a lot of bloggers out there that can take some terrific photographs! I don't claim to be as good as most of them but I can take some awesome ones as well!!! Take a look!

I just had to share my beauty!!! Thanks for looking!

Holy Shit it's cold!

Well....Old Man Winter is being an ass to me! Why?? Because for the last few days we have had nice weather. Temps in the forties or fifties! And today, the rat bastard brings me -64873889*. That doesn't factor in the windshield either! So, he's a tease! There is like 50mile per hour winds howling around blowing off mailboxes! Come on!!! I swear I heard him taunting me in one of the wind gusts. I swear I heard "Hee, Hee....Bitch...blog about this!" Argh!

Well, I'm glad you all liked the boobage blog! I want to get my stack cut off! I want to be a size "C" cup! This is my wish. However, hubby doesn't have the same wish. He would drop me from the insurance if I ever considered it! So, I'm stuck with the bouncing Buddhas for now! He's going to regret this later in my life when I look like the lady in my last entry! I will tell you though, I understand to a point why he likes the Buddhas. Last week I was pampered! Yep, my friend who is a Mary Kay lady had me come to one of their workshops! I got a pedicure, a facial and she gave me a massage! But while she was doing the facial my head was resting on her pillows and seriously, it was relaxing! So, I get it!

I will have to post pictures of that night. It was a Thurs. night and we decided to go have a beer afterwards. We met our friends at the bar and we had just a little too much fun! We listened to Irish punk music and danced to it too! I almost had an asthma attack (even though I don't have asthma) from all the bouncing around we were doing. Shots were passed around every 5 min (lucky for me...I stopped drinking at this point) and the bar tab was unGodly! Next time, we are not going to do it when we all have to wake up early the next day to get kids off to school! Duh!

BTW....hubby isn't feeling the love here. He said that everyone commented on how gorgeous Diva is and how cute the puppies are but never once did they say how handsome he is!!! "They only said that I looked pretty being a lady!" Geesh! You guys didn't know how much up keep my hubby really is, did you??? Then he proceeded to tell me some things to blog about! He's very supportive!!! I told him we could make him a blog too but he just insists on being a part of mine! Whatever!

Wonderful....today is my errand day so I guess I have to brave the bitter cold! I am totally pissy pants now and will bitch all day!!!

I'll give you a funny though!

I always knew Elmo was cold and heartless!

Thanks for all the Congrats about my award!!!

Ta-ta for now!

The good....The bad.....The boobies!

Top 10 reasons having big boobs rock!

10. You can make your hubby swoon just by taking off your bra!

9. You can get the attention of the mechanic who is trying to screw you over on your bill. A little more cleavage, a little more flirting, a little more provocative and poof....you get your way!

8. Your baby would never go hungry and you could probably feed a daycare if need be!

7. If someone asks for directions on a cold winters day and you don't want to take your hands out of your pockets to point the direction, you could use your boobs like "The big Boobed lady" in the "Simpson Movie". (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DvDOr4_nzIo)

6. If someone pisses you off, just nip out and you could take out their eye in vengeance!

5. You will always get some sort of attention from your boobies at the bar!

4. You can complain to your hubby that your back hurts from carrying around your monstrous boobs all the time and there is no way you can finish the laundry today!

3. If you come upon a car accident and are a good citizen, you can always use your boobs as a neck brace and save the person from being paralyzed!

2. You can play the drums on your own titties!

1. You can draw your name in the sand at a beach by just taking off your bra!

Top 10 reasons Big Boobs suck!

10. Victoria Secrets is your own personal hell because nothing from that store ever fits correctly!

9. Ugly, drunk guys find big breasts as an invitation to talk to you and fondle you!

8. Cute shirts are a fantasy and pretty bras are a dream!

7. The act like a bib and all food is magnetically attracted to your whoppers!

6. Upon taking off your bra, a small buffet of food falls out!

5. New babies lips are instantly attracted to your girls even though they have been dried up for years!

4. No one takes you seriously, especially if you are blond.

3. You can lose weight but your heifers always makes you look bigger!

2. Somehow when eating, your boobs always touch the plate and you always have a stain on your shirt (usually where the nipples are located)

1. You hubby likes to play the "bongo's" on your feeders!

Don't forget to check out my award below and go give some Internet love to these sassy girls:

http://www.sleepingmommy.com/
http://www.huckdoll.blogspot.com/
http://www.momof4girls.blogspot.com/
http://www.momisodes.com/
http://www.amysbratpack.blogspot.com/


In case you needed to know!






















This pic may be disturbing! Sorry!

*note* This is NOT me!!!


















One more thing....Please leave me a comment! Amanda, you sweet thing you....we need to party more often and Nickie is the comment Queen. Now, you two run your sweet asses out and make a BLOG!

I'm going big time!

I DID IT!!!

I got my first blog award! ::::tear:::

Don't laugh and call me pathetic (I see you!).....this is a special honor for me because some people like me......they really really like me! Ha.....to all the naysayers who never said I would amount to anything; "IN YOUR FACE!"


:::Drum roll please:::




















TAAA----DAAAA!

"I would like to thank my family for supporting me and my blog and never complaining much that I spend way to much time on the computer! For my friends for coming and commenting, you RAWK! I would like to thank my dogs for graciously not barking and giving me my time I need to become the person I have become. I would especially like to thank God for giving me life! My parents for giving me the gift of gab and my sense of humor, even as sick as it is! And to my blog friends who haven't tired yet of me talking sex! And to sleeping mommy (http://www.sleepingmommy.com/) for honoring me with this award!!! I'll see you all at the red carpet"

One of THOSE days......

Ugh.....really...the only way to describe today is Ugh.....

Diva has been in one of "those" moods that make me want to either lock her in her room or lock myself into a padded white room! You see....she had a friend stay over. The night before, she spent the night at a different friends house. So, considering that last night she went to bed at 11:30pm and of course they just had to wake up at the butt-crack of dawn (They actually woke the roosters up at 6am!!!!) she is a wee bit crabby! This morning wasn't that bad, as her friend entertained her enough to not whine! But after the friend went home.....the "whine, whine, whine" "blah, blah, blah" started! We went to a friends house to play Guitar Hero! Diva tried it but of course didn't master it the very first time she ever played the cotton-picking thing! "Whine, Whine, Whine"......"I can't do it.....I suck at everything!"..........Meanwhile, I'm covering my ears humming to myself trying to ignore her so I don't freak out and act like a maniac mother!!!

Next, we go out to eat! Oh my Gosh....Did you know that adding one simple WRONG ingredient to my daughters nachos means that all is wrong with the world and her life is sooooooo terrible and "Nothing EVER goes right for me!"..........Now I'm rocking back and forth covering my ears humming loudly so every person in Chili's doesn't see me lose control prompting them to call child welfare on me!!!

Then we get home.....and a simple task like ohhhh....I don't know.....taking a shower is the hardest job in the universe for a kid to do!!! Did you know that???? Taking a shower, something she has done at least 4days a week for the last 7yrs is now all of a sudden the most insane thing a mother could ask of a kid!! "Whine, Whine, Whine"......This time I yell....but just a little bit :-)

Then she steps on a thumbtack b/c she has to hang posters on the ceiling and NEVER......NEVER picks up her mess! Currently she is babbling about how P.E. tomorrow is nearly going to be impossible and NOW she's not going to be able to walk so "What am I supposed to do tomorrow??? Huh MOOOOMMM?? What am I supposed to do???" Yesterday, I stepped on a tack as well and after using some not-so-appropriate uses of language Diva laughed her fool butt off and thought that my throbbing foot was hilarious!!!

:::::NOTE:::::::

My foot bled....Her foot did not! Her foot barely had a mark and MINE had a very visible bleeding, gaping wound!!!

Not that it matters!

Homework time: Oh God......NO...Please NOT Homework!!! Shit.....and it's MATH! Oh, wait.....I suck at math and hubby does NOT so I don't have to help with homework tonight.....I'm playing "Jessica Simpson" kind of stupid so I don't have to help! Woo-Hoo!

Now it's time to read....something she can do all by herself. She of course wants to play Webkinz! "But MOOOOMMMM! I read while playing Webkinz!".......okay, there are no witnesses around except for hubby and I convince him to become an alibi soooooo! Nope....MUST-STAY-STRONG!!!!! Yoga Breath!!!! Think Happy thoughts!

Then, as if God himself lead my eyes to the clock....I notice that I have 15min. before I can logically put her to bed!!!!!! I'm weeping now! I'm just so darn happy!

I need a drink!!!

I love my daughter....I truly do however.....I get frightened when I think about her teenage years!

:::::::::Sob:::::::::

I need a laugh and I'm going to share it with you!

My daughter....my dogs.....my life

She is a one of a kind...like her "mo"(this is what she refers to me as....dad is "Patty"). There are days that I chuckle, there are days that I roll my eyes and there are days that I want to hide in a closet. Her friend was over and Diva decided that she wanted to hang posters on her ceiling (of the Jonas Bros., Hannah Montana, etc) so she could stare at them before falling into a blissful slumber filled of images of her favorite rockstars. Because I was busy and couldn't devote my full attention to her (shame on me....call the firing squad) she enlisted her friend to help.

Once, she was told to do her chore outside of picking up the mounds of dog doo before she could play. I looked outside just to see Diva pointing out the nasty while one friend scooped and the other friend held the bucket. She is going to climb the cooperate ladder fast! She delegates well!!!

She makes her cousin brush her hair for her when they are together; for instance when we were almost to Green Bay to watch the Packers game. Kiki (my adorable niece!) obliges but not without a little bitching to go with it!

My adorable nephew has even brushed her hair, he's 5yrs old and gullible. I don't have a pic of this but I will the next time so I can blog it!!!

Then there are my other two furry kids who have piss and vinegar running through their veins. See....my oldest dog (Vampers) loves to chase lights. If you have a watch on....she knows that at some point it will generate a reflection and she goes on a hunt. My younger dog (Scoobers) who is the reason for my losing hair, loves to hump! She's a girl, and there should be no reason for her humping as it gets her nowhere, but nonetheless...she humps! She only humps Vampers though! And humps Vampers when: a) Vampers is chasing lights b) when Vampers is barking!

So, you can imagine how many good pics I get of the dogs considering the flash props Vampers into a statue and this initiates Scoobers to hump....usually her head! However, I have found the thing that will make them sit pretty. It allows them to forget lights and humps. It's treats! This is one of a few good pics I have of the furry children!

I cannot even have normal dogs for criminey out loud!!! Well, hubby is bored and wants to go somewhere. Considering I just came home from the gym and smell like a dirty towel I suppose I should shower.

Ode to Old Man Winter!!!

Listen hear Mr. Winter....your pissing me off Old Man! Haven't we had enough??? Isn't it bad enough that my nostrils freeze shut after stepping out into the brisk cold or must you add a big fat layer of snow and ice to keep it interesting? My fingers are purple, my eyelashes have broken off, even the hair on my legs stays hidden (which is a nice break from shaving) however, I cannot stand my toes going past the point of "cold" to "My toes fricking hurt!".

Do you think I enjoy wrapping my child up in layers upon layers every single day, adding at least 2 hours to our routine? Do you think I love mopping up the melted mess on my floor everyday or that I enjoy playing hide and seek with a mitten??? You are a "cold-hearted" ole' fool! I think Mr. Summer should just kick your frigid ass!!!!


This is NOT pretty!



















(Ick....Now that's Dirty Snow!!)

My ass is bruised from the numerous falls your white shit has caused! My dog's have ice hanging off their butts, my child looks like Ruldolf! I'm forced to wear 10lbs more clothing which only makes me look fatter and are so not posh! My electricity bill doubles and my temper triples from being holed up in my house all day!


Please, for the Love of Disney, Give me a break!




















(Well, that sort of break would work nicely for me too! )


The best piece of English literature I've seen in quite a while....




A poem by:
Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre




Ahem. Ahem.(clears throat!)





"SHIT IT'S COLD!"

AMEN!

Linking Love the only way I know how!

Well....I'm not up to date with all the blogrolls or blogging rules but I want to definitely point out some fantastic blogs!

First:
http://functionalshmunctional.blogspot.com/This is Grandy....and she is dandy! I love this lady...she is a good bloggy friend. XXOO Grandy

Second:
http://mom.buttermouth.com/ Oh Mommy...the sweetest thing since rock candy! She is totally adorable and pure of heart! I love OhMommy!

Third:
http://smitty76.blogspot.com/ What a doll...she is very talented and I love reading her blog!

Fourth:
http://wfgthinksoutloud.blogspot.com/ This Chicky makes you want to plant a garden and cook from scratch all at the same time. Definitely food for thought!

Fifth:
http://www.sleepingmommy.com/ Sleeping mommy is the one who started me on "Why we love Him Wednesdays" and we are frighteningly similar.

Sixth:
http://momof4girls.blogspot.com/ We share the world of pre-teenagers. Isshhh...I wonder if we are both going bald as well!

Seventh:
http://www.alimartell.com/ Laugh out loud sort of blog....funny and witty! You won't be disappointed!

Eighth:
http://millermayhem.blogspot.com/ She is the Queen of Mayhem and writing. And has a pretty head of hair on her too.

Ninth:
http://preddygirl-livingoutloud.blogspot.com/ She thinks out loud and is very clever! Lots of fun here!


Tenth:
http://www.blondemomblog.com/ Blonde mom is a nice, sweet charming girl. I heart her blog!

Eleventh:

http://luvmydoxies.blogspot.com/ This lady has me thinking....and that's good. Keeps the cobwebs out of the ole' brain!

twelfth:

http://mjgolch.blogspot.com/ Mike is a man who has gone through he fair share of hardships however, he survived. I like him because he was rooting for the Pack!

thirteenth:

http://gingerbreadaholic.blogspot.com/ Martha Stuart doesn't stand a fighting chance with Lois. She could make swamp mud look good!

And last but not least:

http://anecdotes.typepad.com/ This lady has swamp pets! And their adorable...oh just go look for yourself!!!

Ohhh...I hope I didn't forget anyone.....ooops, I did!
YOU! Get your butt blogging! It is fun, it's cheaper then therapy (even though mine is free thanks to my wonderful friends) and it's F-U-N! Nickie...you need to get your bump moving on a blog. You are the Queen of Mouth and you would be wickedly funny!!!! Blog-Blog-Blog!

I'm not good at hyperlinks and keep in mind that I'm partially brain dead most of the day so don't get mad if I didn't do it correctly or that my blog looks generic. I've recently found out that there are apparently some rules that virgins need to follow. I have never been one to follow rules so this sorta sucks the big one for me! If I have broken such rules....forgive little ole' me! If you don't forgive me...I'm sending Nickie and Lynn out to get you! Grrrrrrrr....here them Roar!

What's that....You want a funny Picture again. OK! I am to please!

Now....I certainly don't want this to become a Political blog because I get overheated when discussing politics! However, I am going to add for lack of better judgement that I do not have a problem with President Bush! There....I said it....disagree if you want! That's the beauty of living in the Grand ole' U.S. of A; your entitled to your opinion! But this picture makes me laugh out loud!!!!!










My tip for the day??? Well, brain is taking a short intermission today so I will have to find a quick one!
How about have sex tonight, make it worth your time, and note how you feel afterwards! Did it make you feel relaxed, happy, sad, mad, etc. Then analyze what your feelings were. Ex. If you felt relaxed, then perhaps sex is a good thing for you. If you felt mad, perhaps you need to explore the reason for such emotions! If you have any questions, do like my other friends do and email the question. I will do my best to help answer! Remember, I am not a sex therapists however, I've been told I'm better! Ego boost!!!

Have a good day and thanks for the support! Smooches!

Just wanting to blog again!

Oh my gosh...I just cannot stop myself...I'm so into blogging. I need help...always have and always will. I don't need help for blogging all the time because truly, I LOVVVEEE it! And I am determined to be the most popular, fun, irresistible blogger EVAH! Oh shush up and give me my dream!

I've already cleaned, the toilets are scrubbed, the laundry is getting done, the dogs are sleeping (after I gave them each a benedryl) and my Diva is at school, then off to Logo's. Hubby is hard at work having a bad day, which in turn used to make me have a bad day as I always felt bad for him, but because of this whacky life of blogging, I feel fine. I have approximately 2 hours to do nothing but blog....do some laundry....blog....poke the dogs to make sure their still breathing...blog.....give CPR to the dogs.....blog....throw away the benedryl so I never have to give mouth to mouth to a canine again....then blog about giving mouth to mouth to a canine!!! Oh yeah, I will stop for a potty break every now and then too!


*note...I don't want PETA stopping by or anything...I did not give my hyperactive pooches benedryl, but I have considered it.....ALOT! Do you think PETA would approve of this????

"mooo"ve over, I can't see shit!"






Throughout the day I also do a lot of gabbing with friends on the phone; usually as I clean! I gave up whistling while I work, I gossip while I work. As interesting as my gossiping can be ("Did you know she's doing him" or "Did you hear about so & so?"), it is not near as interesting as this!





I'm vertically challenged....I think I hear my calling!!!

I got a email awhile ago...I don't know who the hell this man is but this is what he wrote!

"Hey, any chance we can set up a demonstration for some of the products that you've been selling? I'll be honest, the only basket that I'm interested in is yours! Write me back if you're into a discreet meeting. It can be our little secret. "

Sure Ass...meet me on the corner of "KissMyAss Ave." and "NoFrickingWay". This was in reference to me selling Love Baskets for Partygals! So, I politely replied back this:

"You are a dumb S.O.B. and I assume you are so flipping ugly your shadow is ashamed of you! You probably stink to high heaven and wear overalls when you dress up! I'm sure you share dentures with your dog and most likely lick yourself clean too! Don't ever assume that someone as precious as me would ever give your fat, man-boobed ass a chance in hell! BTW...I am flattered that you picked me to be your "secret"!" :-)

Just Kidding! Ha, Ha~This is what I really wrote back!

"I'm afraid that I do not do any private shows nor do I do anything other then sell the products PartyGals has to offer. My limitations are just that.....so if you are interested in any other means of satisfaction perhaps you should look elsewhere. I'm interested in finding out how you received my email address or how you misunderstood my business? It would be helpful so in the future I can avoid such things as this. Honestly, I am very married, very happy, and very much against adultery. I'm sorry you misunderstood this. If you are interested in products from PartyGals, please go to the website where you can discreetly order from there. www.partygals.biz There are many different products that may help you in your search."

My hubby, my oh so wonderful hubby, told me to tell him:
"Sure, after a $2000 order and a valid Credit Card number. I'll meet up with you!"

Obviously he was kidding (I think) but it was humorous anyway!
Now for the important question??? Does anyone else watch CSI NY???? I'm confused and I need to know. Is Danny and Montana still humping or not????? Please, Please.....If by chance the producers happen to come across my blog....please for the love of God....Let them still be lighting up the bedroom! Does anyone know the answer????

Have a great blogging day!

Why I love Him Wednesdays!

This Button is from Sleeping Mommy (http://sleepingmommy.com/?p=412). She started a thing called "Why We Love Him" Wednesdays.....I decided it would be fun!

Most of you know my stud muffin hubby and most of you can see that we compliment each other a lot. I'm his yin.....he's my yang. I'm Tweedle....he's Dee. I'm he's love...he's my muffin! You get the point. Many a people have mentioned how much we love each other and how sweet it is! Awwww.....

I love this man for more reasons than can be explained. First, to inform you if you didn't know, Diva is not hubby's biological child. Nope, I had a whirlwind (and stink bomb) relationship with a "Cowboy" (if that's what you want to call him). The end results.....me pregnant and him running for the hills. This is the short version! My kidney doc wanted me to abort the pregnancy for health reasons, the father wanted me to abort for selfish reasons. I choice life and was adamant that I could handle this baby! And I could! My supporting family obviously helped me out a ton but still.....I was one determined single momma. Diva was about a month old when my friends dragged my post-baby blues out and about. My mom dressed me, me protesting the whole time. I didn't want to leave my baby. Finally, after hiding in a closet, crying like an infant, and pushy friends....we headed to the bar. I had no desire to find a man as I thought they were all ass-cheese. Well, long story short.....Craig swept me off my feet and took to Diva like she was his from the beginning. I didn't want him to play daddy, but he did anyway. 10yrs later....we are the perfect little family and the bond between daughter and dad is amazing. BTW....my dad, my best buddy, is also my step-dad (I hate that saying) and I'm one lucky daughter to have him!

Okay, so now for the fun stuff....This is what my hubby does for a good time:

I wish you could have been there shopping with us! It was classic. Me and hubs at the Goodwill while he's trying on shoes and dresses. He wanted a short denim skirt but I protested when you could see the "hardy boys" peeping out underneath. There were kids present at the party and I didn't feel like scarring other people's children for life.....not that night anyway! We were laughing so hard and we got some disgusted looks from some old people and some other men were googling hubby! Then we went to find the clip on earrings. Yeah, never go to the Goodwill for earrings. I found a pair, pulled them off the plastic holder and was playing with them. Then I looked closer to see that there was some bloody goo from the prior owners ears. I threw those suckers down like they were on fire and pulled out my Peril and vigorously rubbed until my skin was flaking off. Hubs....well....he turned about 8 different shades of white. Ick!

The funny part about this night was watching Diva stare down her dad in utter embarrassment. I convinced her to help dad with his make-up....but she was very disturbed about his appearance. Of course, being the tease hubby is......he told her he was going to her school dressed like this. Diva cried...taking him seriously. Here's a pic of Diva putting on make-up!

I better save some things for next Wednesday. I am a blogging fool and I know there are a lot of posts but...well...it's my blog so deal with it! :-)

Kisses!

Rest in Peace, Heath

This is a tragic loss to us that adore and stalk movie stars! I love Heath, especially in 10 Things I hate about you! Such a cutie and seemed like a devoted, wonderful dad! Just goes to show that the green doesn't buy much happiness!

I took a spill today in my drive way and hurt my thumb and palm. I don't think it's broke but it hurts like a mother! So, I'm sporting a nice contraption used for people with carpultunnel (spell check isn't finding this word so if I spelled it wrong, forgive my stupidity)....lucky my mom gave me this awhile ago and I'm grateful for it now b/c it does help....but it totally sucks when I'm trying to type! I've been backspacing a lot and this is what my typing would look like if I didn't have backspace!

dioejjk;fdjkllf

Nice, eh??? And for the record, Diva laughed herself to tears after my spill! She is so precious!

Anywhoo...I'll miss Heath and pray for peace for his family!

My hubby had a awful day today and I have to go boost his mood a bit! Tomorrow I'm going to link a few sights that I have found very interesting! Until then go to my comments and look at some of those sights! I want to send each of you to http://toddlerplanet.wordpress.com/. This lady has breast cancer and is undergoing massive surgery! She needs some prayers and love so stop to say hi and let her know you were there. She loves comments (like most of us) and will find strength in our messages!

One more thing.....Nickie, you dog, just one yourself something from me....it's official. I'll inform you what you get when we go do lunch at Johnny's Thursday. Your a weiner, I mean winner!!!

You are a trooper at comments (hint hint to all you other stalkers).

To fake it or not to fake it? That is the question.....

Hell, we've all been there! All of us ladies have the gift of "faking it". It's nothing to be ashamed about and your not going to a "faking orgasm's hell" or anything however, this may not be the right decision all the time.


Let me regress a bit! There are times when we are tired, we are scorned from having to play super mom all day and doing the nasty with our partner is really not the first thought we have before hitting our heads on the pillow. However, sometimes we play nice and give in. It's no big revolution to us that men love it when we get turned on by them and they love it when we "have" the big one! So, we fake it with high hopes that it will be faster then quick so we can get some shut eye. I've done it, you've done it (yeah you, I see you shaking your head in denial!) and our mother's mother has done it (ewwww...granny getting her freak on isn't an image that I like to have in my head but you get the point!) I call this the "safe faking" zone!


Now, if you are constantly doing the "oh baby, oh baby, oh" and boosting your man's ego when truly it isn't an award he is meant to have then the problem is that he remembers these "mountain moving" (so he thinks!) moments and the next time you do the bedroom samba he subconsciously goes right to that exact spot. In return, your faking it again and pretending to be so hot a fire extinguisher is needed. This happens again, and again, and again. So, why are you denying yourself the right to that mountain moving pleasure. Why not tell him where to go, what to do and how long to do it. No, you don't have to be shouting out orders and becoming the moment killer. There are gentle arts to this! Something like "That feels great darling, but can you try here instead?" or "Let's try this tonight to change it up a bit". Put the big girl panties on and buck up! Stand strong as you are entitled to a little "mmm...mmm...good" now and then too! Sex shouldn't be just for him, it's a mutual thing and if it was meant to be alone.....then we would all be married to blow up dolls or battery operated toys! If you are a woman who cannot get the "O" no matter what your partner does....then seek out a toy and potions that are suitable for you both!


Make a promise to yourself that you are entitled to a little fun too and damn it......you will get it! Let your hubby feel all warm and gushy inside because he did make his woman roar with delight! Save yourself from the boring bed moments and make it right so you enjoy it!



Because I brought up Granny Sex: Here's a funny!























It's still blistering cold here in S.D. I braved the winter blast and went shopping a bit today! This was a mistake as my fingers and nose are both still frozen! It's a crappy "Winter Wonderland"

Stay thawed if your near by!!!!

Mourning!

I am mourning my Packers screwing up my dreams of them heading to the Superbowl. I have screamed, yelled obscenities that would make my mom slap me silly, cried, pouted and cried some more! It's ugly here at our house people......Real, Real Ugly...

Uglier then this:

A Chest wig....ick! And what disturbs me the most is it looks like Little Orphan Annie and He-Man are getting ready to practice making babies. Except for He-Man has the red hair and Annie has black! A little chest hair is macho, but a small animal stuck to your chest is gross! I wonder what animal had to be sacrificed for this? Only in England would they make something so stupid!

So, as we are weeping in my abode.....my phone starts ringing off the hook. Some who were rooting for the Packers as well shell shocked of the disaster that happened in Green Bay last night and others who are purposely turning the knife in my heart! I'm in mourning People! Shouldn't you just let me be????? Have some pity for us! And the "well, they had a great season" comments doesn't help mend my bleeding heart!

It's snowing today. *whine, whine, whine*. This adds to my misery! I despise winter! I do not "heart" it one single bit. Luckily, school wasn't cancelled! That sounds bad, I know. But my child goes ape shit shacked up in a house all day! My other big child (hubby) doesn't have to work so we'll see how that pans out today. We have spent an entire weekend with each other so today could be the breaking point of me wanting to run to the mall just to get away for awhile.

Superbowl Party info: Me and a couple other go-getters have decided that we are going to a bar. We usually invade houses for Superbowl but the general census this year is to go somewhere with a lot of action. If this isn't your thing....I'm sorry. But, I'm going with the general census on this one. That way, It won't be at my house and I don't have to clean before and after the party! I'm just not up to it this year! So, if your joining....let me know!

Lynn's b'day info: It won't be this weekend. I have some work to do to find out when the hell we can manage it. With her work schedule it is harder then expected. I'll figure it out and let you all know!

Whaaaaaaa!

What a crappy day in the football world. My beloved, precious Packers disappointed me and hubby to the fullest. Friends of mine all over the world were sent a text to leave me alone for a couple of days before I could recoup and rejoin the outside world. I am shamed and just really pissed. So, lets do some funny pictures....eh???? I think that will lighten the mood a bit.

Here's my favorite picture ever!

Blah....it either fell off or this redneck is just tucking it in, which either one could make me poke my eyes out with hot pokers but oddly enough it still makes me laugh like hell! I need help!

And just for fun, let's try this one!

Okay, speaking of "small guns"....let me enlighten you about something that I sell. It's called "Girth Rings". Oh, I know your hubbys will probably be a little shell shocked when you tell them that they just "aren't quite girthy enough" but wait....I have something to rub their ego a bit. Most of the girth rings have nubs on them. These "nubs" help by giving different sensations and feelings. So, instead of saying "Hey honey, I'm not happy with how skinny your twinkie is" say "Hey dear, let's try these because they are supposed to feel good with those little nubs". And for your info.....the girth rings will make your 10second man last longer. Double score! Girth Rings are great! I also have sleeves that act like girth rings but also have a bullet especially for you! This is called the Futrotic 4 way! Love it, Love it, Love it! Try it people!

And ladies...something that is really important that I have had numerous ladies ask me about. This may not be a subject we all like to speak about but we have all had the occasional "smells" down in our "woo-whos". Don't be embarrassed about this as this smells could be for numerous different reasons. Yeast infections, pre or post menstrual times, UTI's, etc. Sometimes it could be from just sweating. Men get "swamp balls" in the summer but we ladies also sweat in the genital area. Sometimes these smells don't disappear even if you wash and scrub vigorously. So, get a lube that has scent to it or a spray that also doubles as a "exciter". This means that it makes the blood flow faster to your "fun place" and allows for a faster, better orgasms. Again, email me if you have questions about such items. I'm not brave enough to start showing these products on my blog and I still don't understand the hyperlink so until I figure it out....we'll have to use email!

My hubby read my blog and laughed out loud. He loves it and is willing to help. Plus, I have a few interviews done now! When I get a few more, I'll pass the info on to you. I'm waiting to get a few more readers!

Well, that's it from this sad, sad Packer fan! Boo-hoo!

K

All the dates and times on my blogs are wrong! And I'm so fricking impatient because of ADD I can't figure out how to change it! Anyone out there willing to help with this tid bit of info??? Anyone? Anyone? Yoo-Hoo! Hello, hello, hello!

Anyway, guess who is the running for some goodies from a PartyGal! The first gift I give is going to be NICE! NICKIE, you are my first pick so far!!!

Have a nice day!

Comments.....please people.....humor me!!!!

Well, I hit over 100 views on my blog however, my ego needs to be boosted a bit and I need you comments too! Come on now, you could do it for a poor starving blog virgin who requires an ego boost now and again.

I'm going to do some surveys! This will be a fun way to readers/customers to read about other people's relationships without feeling weird about talking to others. This is great for the shy and guarded who feels talking sex is taboo!



So far, I have a few takers that are willing to divulge information. They are a bit frightened, as they should be, however it will be a quick and painless process! So, this will all be coming up in the near feature! I'm excited about this as it will help in my business.



I was thinking about some more tips and felt that this tip is important. It is most important to me and my hubby! My best tip for others is to in fact, research sex topics. This is obviously a good place to start. I am an open person so therefore, I am not embarrassed to speak the sex language. Luckily, my friends are comfortable about talking sex too. Some of our get-togethers have been humorous but educational. This may not seem like a great tip, but it is! You will find by talking to others or reading about others that you will be more inclined to try new things or explore more options. Personally, I think that potions that help get the most out of your orgasm and toys are crucial to some marriages. There are lots of woman who have never experienced pleasures by simply being intimate with a partner. I feel that a lot of this has to do with communication however, there are times the man cannot quite hit the spots. There is nothing wrong with this, nothing at all. It does not reflect upon his manhood and it does not make him incompetent to your love making. If you include your partner with the toy, he will feel a sense of worth that you are in fact, enjoying your time together more! This is research that I have already done and questions already asked. Yes, there are still men out there who will have nothing to do with sex toys. I'm working on that!!!! However, if you speak to others whom you trust to talk too, they may just have useful tips. It's not uncommon for us woman to have the same reactions about sex! So....talk sex to your friends, and your friendship will grow to a new level as well!





Here's a funny for you though so you don't leave here disappointed!

Could you imagine telling your child's school what the address was or worst yet...teaching your children that you live on Kitchen Dick Rd? Crazy stuff!!

Don't forget to comment....it's easy, fast and best yet it will make me really happy!

And there is something else....I have met a sweet bloggy friend. Her name is Fussypants and she is pure genius with her blog. She is also the queen of photo shopping. She has taken time to email me some helpful suggestions and is at my beck and call whenever I need her (well, maybe not that far but she is still generous with her time). Visit her, leave a comment for her too and tell her I sent you! She never disappoints! www.fussypants.typepad.com

Thanks for visiting, and don't forget to email if you want something from PartyGals with a nice discount courtesy of me! Stay tuned for free give aways as well....to win you have to comment though, or your shit out of luck for winning the goods!

Look out for Deer!

So, I was on my way south to take my Diva to my parent’s house tonight (because mom and dad get to sneak off to the cities) and she gave me a dang nabbit heart attack!

You see, because we live in the boondocks, you are always on high alert for deer committing suicide and jumping in front of your vehicle. So, I have trained Diva to always be on the look out. Really, the true reason I do this is to occupy her so my ears can have a little R&R from her gabbing (wonder where she got that gift). Nevertheless….she does not disappoint!
We were driving along, jamming to Hannah Montana, when suddenly she screams at the top of her lungs! “Ahhhhhhhhhh, mom, mom, mom, it’s a MOM, Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, it’s a deer!” So I react like any other scared shitless mom would do and slam on the breaks, screeching to a halt, closing my eyes preparing for the worst, dropping the “f” bomb like no tomorrow. Finally, the car comes to a stop and I get control of myself. “Where, where is the damn dear?” “Over there! (pointing towards a field)”. Yep, it was a deer alright, about 300ft away staring straight at me! Obviously she felt that the deer had superman powers and could run faster then a speeding bullet! On the opposite side of the road are a bunch of cows, looking towards us. I swear, one of those “heifers” actually had the gull to roll her eyes at me!

This isn't uncommon for my daughter. I have had to do chest compressions to myself numerous times. Sometimes it’s in the middle of the night, when she can’t sleep and feels that no one else should sleep either. It’s always the same blood curdling scream “MOOOMMM!” When you are in a deep sleep, her scream can catapult your butt straight out of bed! When I scream back “WHAT!” it’s always the same thing…”I can’t sleep!” Are you kidding me?????

Sometimes we will be in the car again and she suddenly remembers something soooooo important that she screams “MOM!” If hubby is in the car, then she gets the 20minute lecture of how we could be in a fatal car crash by her scaring the crud out of us like that!!!
I am on a roll with this blog thing! I mean seriously, I could do this all day! So, if you think I don’t have a life…..well darn it……I don’t! Deal with it!

And for your viewing pleasure and by popular demand.....this is what happens to me when I get too drunk from watching my Packers play (see previous blog entry) and pass out at a friends house......BY 7PM!!!!

I have been missing my favorite bra....I have mourned the loss of this bra for awhile now as it was the only bra that truly fits me! Every girl needs a bra that makes her comfortable, lifts the girls to their rightful place without leaving permanent indentations in the shoulders. I even put up "missing" signs and offered rewards.

However, I found by bra.......I was elated when I was called. Some dear sweet person felt that I should have my boulder holder back! He even took a picture!

Whew.....I'm just glad it didn't hurt some poor soul!! This did leave me in a predicament though as I had to call the cranes in to put it back on! Sooooo embarrassing!

Here's a good tip and this only proves my theory that men LOVVVVEEEE! sex! They need it, they crave it, they dream about it! Everything looks like a nipple to them.

(I always look at the clouds and try to see shapes in it. This is something me and Diva do often. Craig rarely joins in, and this is why!)

Me: "Oh look at that cloud honey, doesn't it look like a teddy bear?"

Him: "No, it looks like a giant boob with a gigantic nipple!"

(We walked downtown Sioux Falls one time and there are a number of art pieces to browse while down there.)

Me: "Wow, that sculpture is odd looking, I wonder what the significance to it means?"

Him: "The sculptor was horny, obviously that's to people have sex!"

(note: this is not my hubby but it very well could be!)

So, that could be your tip for the day: Make your man happy by being naked with a pot roast in hand! I bet he hands you the Credit Card and tells you to go buy what you want! LOL!

On a funny Diva note: One of my lovely dogs decided that they had to go #2 in the middle of the night so they found their spot at the bottom of the basement stairs. Thank God it's not carpeted down there! Not only did they drop their waste but they had to pee something fierce too. So, at the bottom of my stairs was a pile of steaming poo and some pee to go with it. Nice! Now do you think my EMT husband who can help people who vomit, mess themselves, have blood streaking down their face, gashes in their arms, etc. could clean up the filthy mess. NOOOO! Instead he gags and runs to the bathroom. His response was "It's a job when I'm on an EMT call, this isn't a 911 moment!". Gee...that makes perfect sense, right! So, I roll my eyes at him and then focus my attention on Diva, whom is standing at the top of the stairs laughing hysterically. So, I inform her that since it was her dog (Scooby, who was hunkered down in a corner looking mighty guilty) to get some towels and clean up the mess. She suddenly turns white and looks like she's about to cry. Okay, if you knew my daughter, poop and farts fascinate this child and her dream job is a proctologist. You would think that this would be up her alley. Nope, she breaks out the whines and begs and pleads with me to do it for her. After a few lectures and some nice (or not so nice) words to the pooch, I stomp my ass down the stairs to clean up a mound of poop and a lake of pee. I was pissy pants the rest of the day! I even threatened to kick the dog outside forever (which I would never do). Heres the culprit of this exciting event:

BAD, BAD Scooby Doo!

Don't forget to smile today! It's a good day (even though it's -20* here in the frozen tundra).

Babbling

I'm feeling somewhat better and I am excited because 2 people commented to my blog.....I'm on my way to the big time!

I'm so jealous of those ladies that have lots of bloggy friends. Why can't it be me???? I know some people are to private to talk about sex and some others find it vile that I even speak about it but hell, we all do it!

I'm like Blanche on the Golden Girls. Does anyone else watch this show? I love it! Blanche is my idol and I swear I will be just like her in my golden years!!

So, what is the big deal to talk "sex"? Seriously, we all do it and we all like it (most of us anyway). Is it that terrible to speak about the horizontal mambo? It's nature and it was meant to happen. Women reproduce and lets face it....if it wasn't for us the population would certainly die out. We all know men couldn't squeeze a watermelon with shoulders out of their twinkie! So, it is so bad that I have products that allow women to enjoy the job they were meant to do?

Anyway, I have a date with my friend to go get my hair cut and then I have to do the "good mommy" thing and work at the school! Just so you know, I started Partygals for my diva. I make great money selling sex toys, makeup, spa products, and potions. So, in return I can spoil my diva even more then I did before and still be here for her! It's perfect! Diva thinks that I sell make up and lotions (which isn't a lie) but she doesn't know the rest, obviously. My parents know what I do and they say all the power to me! I made a rule with them though, I will never, ever sell them a damn thing. Ack! If you knew my parents though, you would understand why I say this. They are fun, outgoing and outspoken just like me. I LOVE my parents!

Tip: If you are having troubles having the big "O", then try a toy. A bullet is a small toy and very inexpensive. You can use it with your partner or by yourself in the shower! It has many different ways to use it. Email me if you want those tips! I don't find it appropriate to say it on this blog. Or have a party, I express many cool things there!